Knife Control

Updated 2/26/2013

I am scandalized that a man could break into a school and seriously injure four students with a knife, two critically. I demand that our lawmakers immediately take up an emergency bill to control knives in this country. Why the idea that anyone can take a knife and injure, maim or kill someone! We need knife control. There should be a national registration of all knives in the country. Machetes should be banned from general ownership. After all, who needs a machete? Only licensed gardeners and landscapers should be allowed to carry machetes. And what about butcher knives? Who needs one of them? Do all people butcher livestock? No. Only butchers should be allowed to own butcher knives. Pocket knives, the Saturday Night Special of knives, should be banned outright. We need for police departments across the country to offer buy back programs where anyone with a knife can go to the local police and turn it in for money. A national criminal background check should be required at all knife outlets. And only federally licensed knife dealers should be allowed to sell knives. We have got to get control of this national crisis.

After we get knives under control we must move on to glass bottles, one of the least known and most dangerous weapons in America today apart from guns and knives. Do you know how easy it is to break a bottle and make a dangerous weapon out of it? After that, sharp pencils, cricket and baseball bats, automobiles, windows that open, fists, etc.

(Above created 4/24/2004)

Addendum February 8, 2007
I feel like Rush Limbaugh says he feels when he makes a joke and shortly afterward the joke comes true. Here I was being absurd in order to illustrate the absurdity of Gun Control. So I wrote a short spoof about how the government should step in and control knives. Now, in the UK a group of medical professionals is advocating—you guessed it—knife control. See the story from 2005 in the British Medical Journal.

You should know that the knife control crowd is still at it even this very moment in AD 2007. They want to ban long pointed knives. These elitists are serious.

The only reason they are not using guns to murder in the UK is because most guns are banned. I suppose that when the knives are banned, folks will have to resort to broken bottles, that is, at least until glass bottles are banned.

Then they may have to resort to pushing people out of windows. In an episode of All In the Family, Gloria was complaining to Archie about people being murdered by guns. Archie blithely asked Gloria, “Would it make you feel any better, little goil, if they was pushed outa windas?” Murderers in the UK may soon have to resort to that.

Rest assured. No matter how many things are banned to prevent murder, murderers will always find ways to murder, nanny state or not.

We may still own guns in the USA. The states with the lowest per capita murder rate are usually those with the least restrictive gun laws. Several states have concealed carry laws that allow citizens to carry concealed weapons. Those states are among the safest to live in. Conversely, areas with the most restrictive gun laws (e.g. Chicago, Washington DC, and New York City) have the most crime. (Please do not tell this to a socialist liberal; facts confuse them).

Florida has recently passed a law that allows citizens to defend themselves when threatened. On the other hand, some localities require you to attempt to flee from a criminal intent on harming you. What blockhead came up with that brilliant idea? Obviously some socialist liberal. Some brilliant progressive said women should arm themselves with a whistle to blow when attack is imminent. That progressive probably has a gun to defend himself—or at least an armed guard protecting him.

Americans, we must not allow the socialist elitists in our country and in our government to further circumvent the Second Amendment. They would ban all guns in the hands of private citizens if given the opportunity. Knives would illogically follow.

In 2013 they are still at it in the UK—trying to ban long knives.

© 4/24/2004, Mark Oaks. All rights reserved

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